So it goes

So it goes

Today was pretty chill. I woke up and just relaxed watching The Wire. It’s a good show. I finished season 2. Woooo!

It’s funny how life changes so much. For good or for worse. For example, months ago all was amazing. A month ago all that fell to shit. As of today, things are better. It’s nice to hear people believe me. At the end of the day all I have is my word. My word is what gives rise to my integrity. If I lose that, I lose me. I haven’t. I don’t think I will. What I will do is stand up for myself and show others the truth. That’s what I’m doing. It’s going well so far.

It’s scary to me to think I predicted the future. Well, if I didn’t predict it, I certainly made it happen. My own fears became reality because my stupid fucking ass assembled every piece against myself. When you’re terrified you tend to move against your own sanity. That’s what I did. Austin is going to pick Tyler has his big bro. I lost AJ to David and then to Tyler, and now I’ve lost Austin to Tyler. Damn, I can’t fucking believe it. To think, when I look back at all this, it all started with me just trying to look out for someone. And everyone has a fucking opinion on it. And you know what mine is? Perhaps I cared too much. And I still do. But for my happiness I have to let it all go. People are something else, and most importantly. I can’t be afraid of losing them. I’ve lost way too many people to this thing called life. I’m not the lone survivor because they’re all still breathing, they’re just not here with me.

I’m used to losing people. Make no mistake, that doesn’t mean I want to, it means I can’t allow myself to not be honest about things. I have to be real. It’s all I ever wanted to do growing up. Be real because no one was with me.

So with that said, it’s time I start acting like Salinger, and not this fucking wreck that has been taking his place.

It’s time I rise. I’ve been backstabbed, fooled, and played.

It’s time to recover. It’s time to be happy.

Here I go.

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The truth about your so called friends.

We are hurt and say this,

“I feel as though I do all the work in this friendship. I’m always the one asking to hangout, go places, or even just talk. I wish this person would hit me up sometime.”and the truth is, we keep doing it, keep asking this person we call friend to hangout because if we didn’t, in truth we know we probably wouldn’t hear from them anymore. They’d disappear. That seems to be the truth of the matter.

I’ve seen this truth plenty of times. Today I had someone I barely met two days ago tell me “Let’s hangout next week!” and that kind of hurt. I mean, it was awesome that someone I barely knew was taking interest in me, but it kind of sucked because it reminded me of all the people I care about that haven’t said that in months or ever.

Let’s get this out of the way. I understand people are busy. We have jobs, school, kids, family, girlfriends and boyfriends, hobbies, etc. I agree these things can be time consuming. Yet I’m not sure if that’s a real excuse for a disappearing act. What I mean is, we have phones, facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, aim, and more to interact with each other. So maybe making physical time is difficult, but it’s not impossible to shoot something as simple as a text. Show the people you care about that they’re still alive. That they matter. We get so caught up in our lives that we forget people we claim to love. Then we try and defend being a shitty friend with crappy excuses. Then we try and make people out as someone that is just making a big deal. Fuck off, idiot. Yeah, please. Before you open your mouth and judge someone for caring about their relationships, try and be a little empathetic, you asshat. For some people, that’s all they have when it comes to relationships, with connections. If you’re downing someone for caring, congrats to you, you’re not only an ignorant fuck but you’re probably a shitty friend as well. Whatever. I don’t even know why I’m talking anymore.

In truth, everyone seems to go. I  always am the one to remain. I’m trying to be okay with that.


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VP debate on abortion

During the VP debate I loved when Biden made the point about abortion that value-wise he’s against abortion but he could not imagine pushing that on other people. While it saddens me that he’s against abortion, it is quite admirable to see him differentiate his values and his political stance. This is something Romney and Ryan cannot do. To add, this is something many Republicans I’ve met cannot do. This is the same problem gay rights face as well and it’s baffling. We are adults, and the difference between what we believe is right and wrong, should be something we take the time to think about when government is involved. If not, we end up in a place where Christians push their beliefs on atheists, Muslims on Buddhists, and religion on gay rights. This is unacceptable.

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“You’re fat!”

I know. So approximately ten minutes ago I signed into my tumblr and had a message from an anon that said I’m fat. They also threw in my vegetarianism, saying it is funny that I am one while at the same time I am fat. Congratulations you fucking moron. It’s no surprise that people put their foot in their mouth when they speak. What’s worse is when they put their entire fucking leg. I mean, come on! I’m not a vegetarian for health reasons. I’m a vegetarian for moral reasons. If you’re going to insult me at least know a little thing or two about me. If not you just sound like you’re auditioning for Mean Girls 3 and no one is going to watch that.


I am fat. One day I won’t be. You’ll see. Till then, I’ll keep enjoying my carrots, bitch.

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We never are what we intend or invent.

I don’t know know what to think anymore. I’m keeping my mind busy in order to not fall into what I’ve been running from for so long. When I look over my shoulder I can see that darkness Nietzsche spoke of. I’m no longer afraid to look inside at the monster. I’m already a monster. I’ve been for a long time. I don’t want that to be misinterpreted. The best of us are monsters, are we not? It’s something we end up as, not really by choice. Because if there is one thing I’ve learned from life and from one of my favorite bands, it’s that we never are what we intend or invent. We simply are the sum of our memories.

I’m not quite sure what exactly this has amounted to other than some monster.

I know, however, that my heart is still beating.

I know.

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